Confidence...

OK, this isn't a post about my holiday but it's something that I've been thinking about in light of a couple of recent events. I've never been a confident person...I've always been unsure of myself, doubting my social skills, particularly with new people. I've always struggled to meet new people, always having preferred to hang out with my friends and to stay within the limited (but safe) circle of close friends. Coming out, I've been forced to expand my horizons in this respect. I remember the first time I met a guy via Gaydar - I was almost physically sick I was so nervous. Thankfully, DG was very understanding and kind and has become a good friend.

But a comment that Gay Banker made caused me to stop and think about this aspect of my personality...he mentioned how nice it was to be able to hold my hand at dinner (I'd been talking about my parents and had got quite upset and he impulsively reached over the table and held my hand). And you know, even 6 months ago, I would never have even considered doing something that "gay" - I was too worried what other people might think/say. Even last night with the London Bloggers, we were just being a bunch of gay boys out, not caring about what other people thought...when we parted company, it was with much hugging and kissing and I didn't care.

I haven't really noticed this, as it's been somewhat of a gradual change I suppose...from being a shy, and very nervous gay guy, to being someone who feels relaxed and confident in being a gay guy. But thinking over it today, I came to the realisation that my lack of confidence was probably also a result of the fact that, although I knew I preferred guys, I lived a double life. I was in effect living a lie for several years and lived in constant fear of someone finding out! And that does shatter your confidence because you're forever looking over your shoulder, second guessing yourself and always alert that I was acting/speaking straight. BUT now that I've come out, I'm finally able to be me, to be a 36 year old gay guy and that's a very liberating experience. But it's also been things like persisting with the Gaydar meets, forcing myself to meet strange guys (and some of them were strange), going out on Oxford St to gay bars, putting myself in very uncomfortable situations that has also contributed to my newfound confidence. And so, meeting up with a bunch of bloggers whom I had never met before did not phase me in the slightest! And how good has it been! No longer do I worry what someone will think about me being gay; that's me and so what! After all the hard yards that I've done over the past 12 months, it's all paying off. And how fabulous is that!!!