It's been a while since I've had a rant, and I know how much you enjoy me standing on my soap box, railing against some injustice (real or imagined). So here it is...
I actually read this comment on Gay Banker's blog which really annoyed me...
"Simple old truth: if you go out looking for love you'll never find it. The number of times I've seen people go out to 'find a boyfriend'... (almost) always ends in disaster. That kind of search is basically egocentric and selfish. You're out there looking because it's something *you* want to have or because you have so much love that *you* want to give to someone. It's rarely about the other person. It's all about you.Most of the time true love comes about when you accidentally find someone that you're compatible with, ie when you're not *looking*, you're just *doing* what you usually do, day in, day out and *bam* there he is. You start off travelling in parallel. The trick to longevity is figuring out how to keep travelling in parallel without losing too much of yourself."
What is it with these people who seem to have a problem with guys going out looking for a boyfriend??? Seriously, get over it! "Simple old truth: if you go out looking for love, you'll never find it." Bollocks!!! What a load of crap! Maybe you were a lucky one who was just toddling along, "not looking" and then Mr Right just turned up on your door. BUT that doesn't mean that it happens to everyone! It really cheeses me off when these kind of guys seem to act like they have some moral superiority because they were "not looking". What's wrong with looking for Mr Right? And what's with the assumption that all guys who are out there looking for Mr Right are automatically desperate? Just because a guy would like a partner in life and has got the balls to go out there and try and find him, is it a given that he's some kind of stalker-in-waiting? NO!
I know when I was looking, and when I did my rant back in January, there were comments about the fact that I shouldn't be actively looking but to just "let it happen". Well, I didn't stop looking and see what happened...McBrad! I'm very happy that I didn't let the condescending attitude of some put me off my search. There were also comments cautioning me not to come across as desperate...well, I don't think I did but there you have it, the assumption was there.
I'm reading a couple of blogs from lovely guys who are looking for a boyfriend, but when I read their posts (and the comments), you can't help but get the impression that they feel a little bit embarassed or ashamed of the fact that they're out there looking. Well guys, don't be! It takes guts to put yourself out there and openly admit that you're looking for a boyfriend. If you're lucky, you might stumble across the path of Mr Right and that's fantastic. But if you don't, good on you for going out looking. More power to you for actually getting off your arses and searching instead of just moaning about wanting a boyfriend.
I also have an issue with the idea that looking for a boyfriend is selfish. Why is it selfish to want a partner in life? Again, it's the condescension that "looking for love" is somehow inherently inferior to just "accidentally finding" it. It really annoys me! As far as I'm concerned, those guys who confess to "looking for love" are just being honest. Granted, there are guys who are genuinely not wanting a relationship, for a whole host of reasons and you have to respect that, but the ones who are ostensibly NOT looking for love but jump at it the second they find it are, from my perspective, being hypocritical when they decry others for looking for it.
OK, that's it, rant over.
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11 comments:
Took me two years to come to the realisation (after I came out) that Mr. Right was not going to fall out of the sky and land in my lap. That's two years wasted when I could have been putting myself out there. Sometimes you have to be proactive. Nothing wrong with that.
Yay! Feisty Monty is back! :)
I think I was probably one of the commentators who advised you to just go with the flow last summer. It wasn't that I was proposing a boyfriend finding strategy - more that you were getting more and more stressed and unhappy about the whole mission thing you were on at the time.
Also I'm definitely in the not looking but will snap it up if it happens camp and I don't agree with your verdict that that is being hypercritical. I am perfectly happy being single right now, but if someone comes along that might change. You on the other hand were not happy being single and you wanted to find someone and there's nothing wrong with that either. Different horses for different courses. :)
Tom, I'm not having a go at the "not looking but will snap it up if it happens camp" per se, but what I find hypocritical is "when they decry others for looking for" love - I don't regard you as being one who has judged me (or others) for actively looking for love. I know that you're happy with just going along and when it happens, it happens. Your attitude isn't condescending towards those of us who are a bit more active.
I have several opinions on that comment. Firstly - the fact that he has gone to the trouble to form an opinion like that is troubling. It probably stems from repeated rejection - and he is probably being rejected for that kind of really negative, self righteous attitude. I would also hesitate to say that he goes out on the town with mates cruising or online for a perve - and I hate to break it to him, but that is looking for a boyfriend, even if only subconsciously.
Secondly - there is a difference between "looking for a boyfriend" and forcing a boyfriend out of desperation. I agree with the statement go with the flow in the sense of you can't force a guy to fall in love with you - but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be out there meeting new people with an attitude that is open to meet someone - the surprise is usually that it's someone you would least expect, or someone that doesn't fit your mould / ideal - but you still found him because you were looking.
Fully agree Martin! You put it very well!!! :-)
Having read your blog on and off for a while, you did smell of desperation for quite a longtime. You were falling in love and handing out your heart to any boy who looked sideways at you, without getting to know them first. Its great that this has worked out for you now, but for a lot of people, it's not always the case.
Hello there
If you haven't already come across it there's a quite interesting blog (written by someone living in London) and his pretty matter-of-fact desire to find himself a boyfriend:
http://confessionsofamuscler.blogspot.com/
He rightly does not seem to care one iota what people may think of his exploits and he certainly doesn't sound desperate to me, just practical - just because one happens to live in a big city it doesn't necessarily follow that things will happen without a bit of proactivity.
Cheers! :)
I think there is nothing wrong with being proactive but sometimes you can fall into the trap of going out with someone purely for the sake of having a boyfriend. I've certainly done that in the past and it has proven disastrous. We've all done it...it's part of growing up. These days I take a more nutritious approach...am happy to go to the buffet and have a look around...but also happy to say thanks but no thanks....instead of eating everything that is offered to me with the hope that something will stick!
I hadn't thought of it like that Monty. I have to confess that when I read the comment, I felt it had a lot of truth in it. However, there are obviously lots of guys like you that it doesn't apply to, because you've successfully gone looking for a boyfriend and found him :-). Unfortunately though, I've also seen a quite few guys that the comment does fit. I guess the comment was written too dogmatically.
GB xxx
Hey Feisty Monty :-)
As I'm the originator of the quoted comment I figure I may as well weight in, albeit somewhat late in the day.
First off, kudos for your 'bollocks to you' attitude. There's nothing wrong with that. Everyone finds their own truth through their life experiences. Hey, perhaps the world you live in is different from mine.
Back in the day, as a recently out gay man, I was of the same opinion as you. Love was where it was at and I was out to find it, no matter what.
In fact, I even turned down a shag with someone I thought was the hottest guy on the planet as I'd just met my first boyfriend a week previously and I wasn't about to cheat on him. The guy I turned down was much more experienced and told me our love wouldn't last as I wasn't ready for a mature relationship. I told him to 'f**k off' and never spoke with him again. As it turned out he was right. We both gave it our best shot but it ended just shy of the 2 year mark as we simply weren't right for each other and we were too 'emotionally' young (which can happen at any age). I don't regret my first love, but as with Adaptive, at the time I felt it was 2 years wasted (but this time 2 years wasted by being with someone).
Now, I've not read your blog, so I don't know what your situation/history is, so if you've bucked the system and found love by actively looking for it, then good for you. I'm not going to say it won't last as I don't know you or your boyfriend.
I do, however, stand by my assertion, if not for you then for 99.9% of the people I know. I have no problem with people searching for boyfriends at all. If you're lucky love will be included in the mix. As I said at the bottom of my original comment (which wasn't quoted!), I *do* think that playing the numbers game by 'being out there' is a perfectly valid strategy for meeting more people and in turn your chance of finding love will increase.
However, if you put yourself out there as a love junkie you're just going to meet another love junkie and that doesn't make for real love. That makes for a temporary addiction between two people who both selfishly want something for themselves to make 'their' lives better.
Now, don't get me wrong. My attitude isn't intended to be negative so much as realistic. It's based on my own life experiences and those of my friends and loved ones, both gay and straight. It's also based on being born, raised and coming out in London, which has a huge multi-varied scene, complete with quite a lot of nutters, junkies and users :-)
The primary difference being gay is that we often feel marginalised by society (some of us suffering from internalised homophobia from our upbringing) and that makes many of us overly desperate to seek out Mr Right. For no reason whatsoever we end up acting like middle-aged single women who are running against their biological clock. Through desperation we often give away our hearts too quickly, before we really know the person we're giving it to. True love may conquer all but superficial love and imfatuation does not.
So that you can judge for yourself whether my opinion is valid, here is a brief summary of my history. You may read it and say 'yep, that's what I thought, his opinion is bullsh*t'. Feel free :-)
Back in the day I used to be a bit of a love junkie, but, if anything, rather than being repeatedly rejected (cheers Martin!) I was too successful for my own well being.
With only one notable exception, every single person I met and liked wanted to have a relationship with me. The notable exception insisted that he didn't want a relationship, then got really p***ed off when I stopped shagging him because I met someone who wanted a relationship, saying that he actually *was* in love with me all along.
Anyway... I would often fall in love with guys at first sight, because I was looking for love, thinking that it would somehow make my life better. I did not handle being alone very well. I always felt there was something missing from my life.
I wanted to love and be loved. And I did, at least at the beginning of these relationships. 'True Love' isn't something that happens overnight, though. You can be infatuated with someone and you can lust after/long for them but until you actually *know* them I don't believe you can really classify it as 'love'. It's a good start, but it's not the big payoff.
So, I'd be going out, looking for love and meeting other guys who were looking for the same thing and instantly I'd think 'bingo' this is it. They'd be cute, funny, sexy... and everything would be new and great! All the good stuff.
The thing is, though, you're never going to see the real person right off. If you're looking for love then you're seeing everything through rose-tinted glasses and jumping at whatever you can get. You kid yourself that the other person is The One, even if it's clear to everyone else that he isn't.
Not counting encounters lasting less than 3 months I consider that I've had 4 major relationships myself. The first I spoke of above. The second was a rebound one with someone I still consider incredibly hot to this day. Our relationship was very physical. The sex was great. Although I was 'in love' with him, I was also still mourning the loss of my first love. Not a good situation. After about 6 months I tried to end it. After 9, me calling it quits stuck. He told me a couple of years ago that he was devastated when I dumped him as he thought I was 'The One'. Two love junkies... what can I tell you?
After a period, long enough to get over both break-ups, but also long enough for me to feel very alone and lonely I met significant boyfriend #3. He wasn't at all like anyone else I'd dated, not even really my type, but I was attracted to him nevertheless.
Another love junkie coupling. Two years together. Even as it was ending I tried to keep things going as I believed that's what people are supposed to do.
After that experience I had grown up enough to stand on my own two feet, independently, happy with just being myself. I stopped trying to find love as, frankly, I didn't want to get into that same situation again.
I then met my husband one evening whilst playing pool in a pub. Completely random accident. Neither of us were looking for someone and in fact we only started talking due to a stupid misunderstanding.
We were physically attracted to each other but neither of us wanted the complication of being involved with someone else at the time. He was in London on a (mature) student visa which was due to expire. Great! There was no way a relationship would have time to establish itself to there was no problem with having some no-strings fun.
Over the next 6 months so we saw a lot of each other, not putting too much thought into what was going on due to the seemingly inevitable drop dead/leave the country date. We got on really well, really enjoyed each others company and yes, as the deadline approached we admitted to ourselves and to each other that despite ourselves we'd fallen in love. It wasn't easy, but we made it work (country hopping at times to overcome visa issues) and we're coming up on 8 years together. The years haven't always been easy, but we're still here. Love isn't always this perfect thing, but it is something real, tangible and strong and it does bind you together no matter what.
Looking back on my previous relationships I can honestly say that while I was temporarily 'in love' it wasn't the same thing. If that sounds self-righteous then sorry, that's just the way I see it. I can dispassionately compare my feelings now and then and I see huge differences.
So, I stand by what I said. By all means go out looking for boyfriends, but you simply can't *expect* true love to be included in the deal. It's just not that straight-forward. If you go out looking for 'love' they you're most likely setting yourself up for a fall.
Okay, so I made some time this afternoon and I actually read a couple of your posts to get a flavour of what your blog is about and where you are at.
Most notably I read the first Rant and its follow up. I'm kinda glad to see that it wasn't just me specifically that you were railing against :-)
You asked a question as to when you should be ready to settle down, saying you're 38ish with having been out 2 years... something like that.
My take (please let it not be another unpopular one!) is that when you first come out (by which I mean accept that you're gay and start dating men) you basically reset your emotional clock to 16 years old, when most str8 kids start taking their first faltering emotional steps. Or these days, maybe it's 12?!?! Dunno.
From then on, your aging rate is experience based, but typically is roughly equal to 'real time' for the first few years.
That makes you roughly 18-20 in gay emotional years. Some people settle down at that age and have life-long happy marriages, but I think it's perfectly understandable when friends and family show concern that it's too early. It's also understandable when 'emotionally older' friends take a 'do as I say, not as I do' attitude.
A few years back we had a 55 year old friend who had just come out when we met him after being married for 37 years and raising 4 kids. Even at his age, he totally regressed to being a 16 year old... and it was not pretty! He just didn't know how to handle himself in same-sex relationships at all.
Anyway, despite what you may think I wish you and McBrad the best of luck.
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