OK, I realize that it's only 8 days into the New Year and already I'm writing a rant! But hey, I suppose it's been something that's been lurking at the back of my mind for a while.
I've had quite a few good friends over the course of the past year who've all commenced relationships (does that sound right? gotten into relationships? coupled up? you get my drift) and don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for them. But time and time again, I'll start seeing a guy, or be interested in a guy (who appears interested in me as well, so it's not just a one-sided thing) who then calls it off, saying that I shouldn't get into a relationship at this early stage of my gay life...that I'd be better off going out there and sowing my wild oates or words to that effect. And I've had this advice from my abovementioned friends as well. Now, I agree, I took a long time coming out and yes, I've sowed my fair share of wild oates (and I do think that was necessary), but I've been out for around 18 months now and I'm starting to get a bit tired of hearing that. At what stage is it considered that I'll have been out sufficient time to be ready for a relationship? Is there some magical number of months/years I need to hit??? I personally feel very ready for a relationship and despite what some may think, that's the purpose why I'm out there dating (and yes, I confess that I do have some fun along the way). But sometimes it just bugs me that whilst these people tell me just to relax and chill, that Mr Right will turn up "when I least expect it" and "when I'm not looking for him", they were all out there at one time, looking for their Mr Right* and they found him. I sometimes feel like I'm being judged for being a bit pro-active, in getting out there and actually dating lots of guys. Why do I have to wait for Mr Right? What if he's out there waiting as well? How the heck are we supposed to meet up if we're both sitting around waiting for each other to turn up?
It also aggravates me (I'm warming up now) that when I meet a guy that I like, and I've expressed this to a friend (and I'm not naming names, here; there's more than one friend who's said this to me), I get a warning to "back off" or to "just don't get too much into him" or "don't show him how much you like him too quickly" (not that I think I do, but that's subjective I suppose) and then I turn around and the friend has met a guy and fallen in love in a matter of weeks??? And apparently the speed at which they've moved is all justified (for them) because this is "the one". I do realize that you don't want to come on too strong, or get too clingy etc, it isn't exactly rocket science.
Where's the logic? Where's the fairness? It just feels sometimes a little patronising.
And don't get me wrong, I love my friends dearly, and I value their opinions...particularly the ones who've been out for a while and who know the ropes. But after 18 months out (not to mention 36 years of life), and not an inconsiderable number of dates under my belt, I think I can handle myself.
OK, rant over.
I'm at Day 2 of my new job and so far so good. I've got great new colleagues, a great boss and the clients seem nice. Of course, January is a good time to start, as it's dead quiet. We'll see how I feel come April, May and June!
* Just a point of clarification...when I use the term "Mr Right", I'm not suggesting at all that I think that there is just one guy out there who is perfect for me...I realize (despite what people may think) that successful relationships require hard work and commitment. It's not all running along beaches hand in hand and snuggling in winter. When I use "Mr Right", I am simply referring to a man who I can fall in love with and who'll love me in return.
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20 comments:
Hey monty, reading your blog it seems to me like you're a relationships kinda guy. I know people say you should get out there and sow your wild oats (etc), but I get the sense, deep down, you'd love nothing more than just hanging out with one guy and having a great time. I don't get the impression you're a big rooter at heart, just a big romantic. My advice (aged forty two and single) is to just be open to a relationship, don't think too much about it, don't try too hard, and just be yourself. If you meet a guy, take it slowly, don't move too fast. But most of all, be yourself and be happy. You seem like a really lovely guy. You're damn cute. And there's someone out there for you. Just don't spend too much time looking for them and I'm sure they'll turn up. Maybe a hobby? Try one of the gay social groups like tennis, ten-pin bowling, something that interests you and I'm sure you're gonna have more luck finding a like-minded guy. Cheers, James
I second James' opinion (with my vast experience of such matters, LOL!)
You're a top bloke and someone will come along. I just don't reckon the quick root guys are interchangeable with the long term guys, so you're swimming in the wrong pool if you're after a long term bloke. The right guy is going to love you for you and anyone who chucks you out for not having enough miles on the clock is a fool! :)
Seems to me like you're ready.
I personally don't think there is anything wrong in showing someone how you care, or really like them, just hold out acting all clingy in the onset.. as in my opinion that can act as a turn-off sometimes.
Now go forth young man and seize the bull by the horns, or cock.. whatever. Godspeed.
Yeah m8, I was gonna say something along the lines of SSD. If you come across as too eager, too needy, too anxious to get a bf, then it's usually a bit of a turn off. Playing it cool works much better. That's why people are right to say "take it slow", what they're really saying is "don't scare him off"!
GB xxx
Hi Monty, It seems to be a balance between being proactive and just being open to letting it happen when it happens. I reckon you have to do both, but finding that balance (in your head) can be really hard.
There are many platitudes that could be said here, but I'll refrain as I'm sure you've heard them all.
Continue to be yourself, do what you feel YOU have to do for YOU, and have fun waiting!
Hi Monty,
I'm with james, tom & SSD, 100%!
The online dating world is difficult to navigate because you can never tell what someone is thinking until you get to know them better.
There is no rule that dictates how long you have to 'try the waters' before you get into a r/ship. If a guy doesn't want a r/ship with you because you're not experienced enough then I think he's a sausage short of a BBQ!!
Do whatever feels right for you, have fun, and protect your heart.
Hi Monty. Stumbled across your blog about a month ago and happen to enjoy reading your rants. Friends made the same 'wild oats' comments to me when I came out and were also very protective of me when I started dating. I felt exactly the same way as you (and i'm sure that there are many more people out there who experience exactly the same). I know that finding Mr. Right might seem like an impossible task at times (and that all the nice guys seem to be already taken). But hey, you're singly and nice right? So surely there must be other nice single guys out there who are in exactly the same situation as yourself. Another thing to bear in mind is this: you will meet guys who may well have more experience but don't discount your own life experiences and maturity. Why should you be expected to behave like a reckless 20 year old when you have the mindset of someone who (I assume) should be a bit more wiser and certain about what you want out of life and actually want to settle down? Good luck.
The numbers work out differently for different people. I have friends who go serially from one multi-year relationship to another, almost without exhaling between them. On the other hand I went about 7years between my first (at 25, 18mo) and second (at 33,6mo) and then 3mo till the next (34, 5.5yrs).
The important thing is to be happy in yourself, and not be living for the next relationship. A dog helps...
Thanks for all your feedback guys! Appreciate the personal comments/experiences too.
Hey Monty,
Nobody knows the whole picture but yourself. I believe that you are looking in the wrong place. If you hook up with someone you meet online, we all know that Sex is the primary motivation for most people. I admit, that's how I met Evan, but we talked for well over a month before meeting. I know it can be difficult to do but show enthusiasm for someone with some restraint, be honest to yourself and to them but as some others have commented, it can be a huge turn-off to be proclaiming undying devotion after one night together. I don't think that only being out 18 months means anything regarding your readiness for a relationship, I had a 6 month monogymous relationship with the first guy I kissed at the age of 31. It's about learning about each other, communicating and enjoying life with someone, for some, that continues for months, for others, it can happen for a lifetime. Don't worry about it, if it's going to happen, it will happen. Be yourself, be honest and enjoy the journey.
McDreamy.
so here's my 2c worth... deep breath...
Getting into a relationship is not like going out and looking for a new mobile phone or something you can just pick up off a shelf. Because like most shopping, the packaging might look ok (Gaydar, I'm looking at you!), but it's when you get it home and unwrap it and spend time with it that it might not live up to it's claims.
A relationship involves two people, and for it to be a good relationship the two of you have to give it a go and most of all, have similar feelings towards each other. And that's the problem here: A relationship involves two people's feelings, not just how you feel about him.
Some guys find each other and will just click. Some guys find each other and actually aren't good for each other, or don't even love each other, but they'll stay together out of fear of being alone. Some guys just like the "idea" of being in a relationship and try it for a few months then move on. And then there's those that, when breaking up with you, say stupid things to you like "You shouldn't get into a relationship at this early stage of your gay life". That's just gutless on their behalf.
Let's not confuse dating with having a shag. Most relationships don't happen on the first night. They take time and they develop, like all good friendships. If it doesn't work, don't blame yourself. It just wasn't meant to be for the two of you. Monty, you're a good bloke, so just try not to fall into the trap of wanting a relationship so bad that that becomes your motive.
The other dangers (and I've fallen victim to these) is that you fall in love with your idea of the other person, or they with their idea of you.
I've seen couples in this town, who seem like a pair of mirrors, each projecting back what they hope the other is looking for. A little sad, and a lot of wasted life.
Then there are the ones you love but can't live with in the degree of relationship you'd like*, or the ones where the chemistry says "friendship" rather than "lover". Of course that may mean very long-term, very committed friends, but not a couple. Something to be celebrated regardless.
* ->"friends with benefits".
Dear Monty,
Muzbot and the others are right. Just be yourself and he comes along, next to that... don't advertise it here on the net. Of course we want to hear what's happening with you [and with whom], but some things are better kept in your mind then on electronic paper.
One of the guys suggested a gay social club, is flower arranging something for you, just to get some more pointers? Wine tasting? Food? [Something to do at the soon to open Tom's Restaurant ;) ]
Just be YOU, that's all I can say. Take care mate!
Guys, thanks! All your comments are noted and much appreciated. Muz, I do agree, it is a two way thing...you can't force someone to like you in that way. If it happens, good, if not, that's fine too. If a friendship comes from it, even better! But whilst I'd like a relationship, it isn't the be all and end all. I've managed to have a great past 18 months, made lots of friends, without being in a relationship. Mike mentioned in his comment about being happy within yourself and I very much think that is important. I have a good life and I'm not willing to give it up for just any guy who's willing to have a relationship - I do like to think my standards are a little higher than that. Mike, I've done what you mentioned in the past, falling for my idea of what the other person was. But, the experiences of the past 18 months have certainly taught me many lessons and I hope I've learned from them.
Guys, I suppose my rant was really more about what I perceived as the somewhat hypocritical stance of some guys who say one thing to me, but don't apply it in their own lives. That really irritates me, as I feel like I'm being patronised and I don't like that. Anyway, I am blown away by the level of response I've had to this!!! Thank you all again!
On the specific issue of your friends - don't be too hard on them, I'm sure they mean well. It's all too easy to give advice to other people and then completely forget to apply it to your own life when the same situation arises.
But next time one of them tells you to play it cool, ask them, "What, like when you met [guytheyfellfor]?" That should shut 'em up!
Congrats on the new job again!!!
I think you have to be single for at least five years before you meet someone nice in Sydney...at least that was my experience!!! so a few more years of fun! Or at least until you've shagged half the guys on gaydar!
I'm glad that I can be confident "Single Guy" is having a well deserved dig at the Sydney Gay Community. You can't put a time frame on anything, my parents met at age 14 and 15 and are still married nearly 50 years on. Timelines are a joke and expectations must always just be real.
Have a great weekend Monty.
McDreamy.
"who then calls it off, saying that I shouldn't get into a relationship at this early stage of my gay life"
Translation: he's just not that into you. I don't know why, but a lot of men have a problem saying, "I'm just not feeling it," so they come up with a convenient excuse. If a guy really likes you, he won't care how long you've been out.
"If a guy really likes you, he won't care how long you've been out."
I beg to differ on this one. I've started dating guys I was really into who were just not ready to settle down for that reason or another (e.g. resowing oats between r'ships). It's possible that some of these other guys are not seeing you as prepared as you think you are.
The flip side of that is that over the years I've been knocked back for dates by several guys on the grounds that they wanted to get out and have a bit of fun for a while. One said "you are the sort of person I would want to settle down with later, but would rather not get drawn into the possibility of a r'ship now."
My thought response sometimes is "well I don't know if want to settle down with you but some fun would have been nice....". Which all goes to show the non-reciprocated views of each other that two people can have.
I think you'll find a thousand different opinions on negotiating relationships. I think the best advice is to ignore most advice you get - do what feels right for you. Be confident that what you think is the way to go, probably is the right way for you.
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