Green eyed monster...

Well well well...in my last post, I mentioned how the Gent In Question (GIQ) and I had sorted everything out and things were on an even keel. I was happy with how things were in our friendship and that was that. WRONG! In affairs of the heart, Monty is still very much a novice and events this week just proved that.

Where does one start??? Well, firstly, I had a lovely weekend away with my friends James and Jacqui - relaxed, fun and very alcoholic! (at one point in time, apparently this little black duck had fallen asleep in a drunken stupor at the dining table while James was doing a nudie run around the house, equally inebriated. Fortunately for us, Jacqui was a bit more in control of things and was able to put me to bed and eventually get James to bed too). Anyway, I digress. So I was feeling pretty good with the world come Monday.

GIQ and I had been chatting via email on Monday and in the evening, I sms'ed him in response to his email. I thought we should have a chat (on the phone) but got this somewhat cryptic response...

"I can't talk..."

The sms conversation proceeded as follows then...

M: Damn, I was going to give you a ring tonight - do u have company?
GIQ: Ummm, yes, sorry. x

At this point, I realised that he wasn't hosting his maiden aunt for dinner...

M: Bugger
GIQ: In a couple of hours, yes.
M: Bastard
GIQ: You're better...
M: Doesn't help. Major dose of green eyed monster happening here. FUCK!
GIQ: Just don't, ok. I'm so not worth one second of you feeling like this.
M: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
GIQ: You are cute, pure of heart and lovely. Go and find someone like you.
M: Doesn't help. Not your fault. Fuck Fuck Fuck!

At this point, I was sitting on my couch, blindly watching Desperate Housewives, trying to concentrate, seeing images on the TV but not comprehending anything that was happening in the show. I was devastated! And insanely jealous! And the thing that I couldn't understand was why I was feeling this way! I thought that I had settled in my heart the fact that "we" weren't going to happen as a couple...that we were going to be good friends and that's it. But obviously, from my reaction, my head had been fooling my heart! And suddenly, my heart was in control...and my emotions were out of control!

Now, normally I'm a pretty controlled guy emotionally and even on the few occasions when my emotions have been heightened, I've been able to remove myself from the situation and think things through logically. I've been able to work out why I'm feeling that way, and been able to reason with myself as to why I shouldn't feel that way, or be able to formulate a plan of action to enable me to manage my feelings so that I can be in control again. I've got a pretty good understanding of how I tick generally and so therefore have been able to sort myself out, no matter what the situation.

But, on Monday night, I couldn't think things through...I couldn't reason, my mind was a blank...I was just simply FEELING! My emotions got the better of me and wave after wave of hurt and jealousy were washing over me and I couldn't stop it! I had this horrible heavy feeling in my chest and I seriously just wanted to sit there and weep!

Fortunately for me, GIQ sussed out that I was not feeling particularly chuffed (perceptive bloke that he is) from my above sms's and so, bless his heart, interrupted his date and rang me, concerned for me. I was somewhat surprised and touched that he was willing to do this but I also had a lot of stuff that needed to be expressed. And so I did let rip - with both barrels blazing. And to his credit, he took it all in his stride. He was very kind and understanding and I think he did actually accept some of the points I made about how I felt he had treated me. NOT, I must hasten to add, that he had mistreated me, or deliberately set out to hurt me! He had been very honest with me all the way! But, I had foolishly allowed feelings to develop, feelings which obviously went far deeper than I had expected. And this event simply triggered them. But we ended up having a really good chat, and even a couple of laughs. And so I hung up, feeling much better about things.

I slept very well that night - I was exhausted - and the next day, woke up still sore (emotionally) but my mind was back in control and doing its reasoning, sorting, and managing my feelings which was good. This time I think it finally sank in that there wasn't going to be an "us", this was NOT going to be the Grand Romance of my life, it was OVER.

And looking back back now after a couple of days, I realize that it had to happen for my true feelings to come to the surface and be dealt with. We've talked pretty extensively over the past couple of days as well and things have actually settled down! I do feel finally like I'm getting over him. Truly getting over him. I still like him a lot, I still think he's a great guy, I know we are going to be great friends! And I know that in time, we'll look back at the start of our friendship, these past few weeks of rollercoastering emotions, and have ourselves a quiet chuckle! Or maybe even a hooting laugh!

I have high regard for GIQ and his friendship and for the way he's been with me (with one or two exceptions which we've dealt with). It's been a new experience for me and yet, he's not treated me like some kind of psychopath or a lovesick kid (which is how I think I've acted on occasions) but as an adult who's gone through lots of changes in the last year or so and is on a very very steep learning curve. I've learned a lot about relationships, friendships and me over the past few weeks and that's always a good thing. If you can learn from your mistakes, you're less likely to repeat them. So, thanks GIQ! And thanks to the few of you who've known what's been happening and who've been so supportive of me and my emotionally instability! Big hug to you all.

Monty! xxx