So it's been 2 weeks since my last entry...yes, it's been a while and there's been lots happening! I suppose the big thing was telling my family I was gay and that I had left the church. Sounds so simple...and yet when it came to it, I was a MESS! Basically wept for the better part of an hour on the phone to mum and dad! They were very kind, very understanding and very reassuring of their love for me! They said that nothing would change the fact that I am their son and they would always be there for me. BUT...they couldn't condone my lifestyle. And they were heartbroken that I had left the church. And so, contact between us is now going to be limited. And that was it.
It may sound cold or unfeeling, however I know this is hurting my parents as much as it is hurting me! They are doing what they genuinely believe is the right thing, and I wouldn't want them to do something which would affect their consciences, namely by keeping up normal contact with me. I respect their devotion to God and what they feel is the right course to take. But it still doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
I told my big brother Steve later that week. Same story! Perhaps even harder, because he's my big brother, the one who's always been there as my protector! It's truly devastating to be the one that causes your big tough brother to break down on the phone...and yet, that is what he did. And I did. Never before has that happened. (we are not a very emotionally expressive family)
So it was a really really really tough week. Dane, Carl and DG were all very caring and made sure I was OK which was lovely. But still, I was struggling. Dane particularly was very understanding, wanted to be there for me, and was very giving of himself...despite getting very little in return from me. We went to a lovely dinner party on the weekend at DG's where I got to meet NSSG for the first time (he's lovely) as well as Gay Academia and another of NSSG's friends! So it was a lovely night, a great distraction from the emotional turmoil that I had been through that week.
But despite all that, I was not coping. And I was feeling guilty. Guilty about disappointing my family, guilty that I had lied to them for so long, guilty that I had betrayed my friends, guilty that Dane was giving all the time and not getting anything back from me! I was emotionally drained and I was getting more and more stressed.
Dane could see this, and he tried his best to help, but with me clamming up (going into my cave), he was in the dark. He tried to talk to me, but I couldn't. And the more the week progressed, the more I realized that I was not handling all that was happening to me. I thought that I would be able to do it all...that I was the Man of Steel, able to cope with everything and so had jumped in feet first! Come out to my friends, leave my church, tell my family I was gay, and get into my first gay relationship! WRONG! I couldn't do it all, I was, after all, mortal...yes, there was Kryptonite out there and I was being affected.
And so, I finally realized that I was being unfair to Dane in remaining in a relationship with him, when it was becoming a one-sided thing...all in my favour! I was being selfish in expecting him to be there for me, to understand what I was going through when I wouldn't actually tell him how I was feeling, what I was going through. And, my guilt about this was adding to my stress. And so, we had a really good heart to heart on Saturday night and decided that it was best to end our fledgling relationship while we were still friends, and remain friends, very good friends! Better than persisting on and him get more frustrated with me, and me feel more guilty about him, and us end up ending the relationship on bad terms. I care too much about him to lose his friendship and so, in the interests of keeping our friendship, we have done this.
And you know, hard as it is, I do feel less stress. We are still talking, in fact, we are having lunch tomorrow and I'm hanging out to see him, particularly with his newly shorn hairdo! Very spunky! I think we will come out of this very good friends and, when I'm emotionally sane again, who knows!
It may sound cold or unfeeling, however I know this is hurting my parents as much as it is hurting me! They are doing what they genuinely believe is the right thing, and I wouldn't want them to do something which would affect their consciences, namely by keeping up normal contact with me. I respect their devotion to God and what they feel is the right course to take. But it still doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
I told my big brother Steve later that week. Same story! Perhaps even harder, because he's my big brother, the one who's always been there as my protector! It's truly devastating to be the one that causes your big tough brother to break down on the phone...and yet, that is what he did. And I did. Never before has that happened. (we are not a very emotionally expressive family)
So it was a really really really tough week. Dane, Carl and DG were all very caring and made sure I was OK which was lovely. But still, I was struggling. Dane particularly was very understanding, wanted to be there for me, and was very giving of himself...despite getting very little in return from me. We went to a lovely dinner party on the weekend at DG's where I got to meet NSSG for the first time (he's lovely) as well as Gay Academia and another of NSSG's friends! So it was a lovely night, a great distraction from the emotional turmoil that I had been through that week.
But despite all that, I was not coping. And I was feeling guilty. Guilty about disappointing my family, guilty that I had lied to them for so long, guilty that I had betrayed my friends, guilty that Dane was giving all the time and not getting anything back from me! I was emotionally drained and I was getting more and more stressed.
Dane could see this, and he tried his best to help, but with me clamming up (going into my cave), he was in the dark. He tried to talk to me, but I couldn't. And the more the week progressed, the more I realized that I was not handling all that was happening to me. I thought that I would be able to do it all...that I was the Man of Steel, able to cope with everything and so had jumped in feet first! Come out to my friends, leave my church, tell my family I was gay, and get into my first gay relationship! WRONG! I couldn't do it all, I was, after all, mortal...yes, there was Kryptonite out there and I was being affected.
And so, I finally realized that I was being unfair to Dane in remaining in a relationship with him, when it was becoming a one-sided thing...all in my favour! I was being selfish in expecting him to be there for me, to understand what I was going through when I wouldn't actually tell him how I was feeling, what I was going through. And, my guilt about this was adding to my stress. And so, we had a really good heart to heart on Saturday night and decided that it was best to end our fledgling relationship while we were still friends, and remain friends, very good friends! Better than persisting on and him get more frustrated with me, and me feel more guilty about him, and us end up ending the relationship on bad terms. I care too much about him to lose his friendship and so, in the interests of keeping our friendship, we have done this.
And you know, hard as it is, I do feel less stress. We are still talking, in fact, we are having lunch tomorrow and I'm hanging out to see him, particularly with his newly shorn hairdo! Very spunky! I think we will come out of this very good friends and, when I'm emotionally sane again, who knows!
One thing I have learned from the past couple of weeks is that I am human, that I can't do everything, that there is a limit to what I can cope with and how to pace myself! And how appreciative I am of the friends I have!
9 comments:
hey Monty. You were lovely too. Great to meet you. Sorry to hear about all of this turmoil in your life. Rest assured that you have some good friends that will be there when you need them. It takes time for parents/family and friends to come to terms with a son/friend/brother being gay. They will come around. I think you are dealing with things pretty well and I'm sure your blog is helping out. I too plan to come out to my extended family when I see them in a few weeks. It's time!
It sounds like you've handled a tough situation amazingly well, due in no small part to your enviable ability to see things from other people's point of view. I reckon there might still be a future for you and Dane given time.
Monty, you are one of the sweetest persons I have ever had the privelage of knowing, and to think that during one of the most difficult times of your life, you wanted to welcome me into your life....that is a beautiful thing.
You were never selfish, you were never uncaring, nothing was onesided. All you were was someone pretending to be a man of steel.....something that none of us are. Unfortunately you learnt that the hard way.
However, lucky for you in a time when your old support network was no longer there, and you realised that you can't do it all yourself, you had a new support network available, Me, DG, and Carl. Three new friends that care very much for you and without you even saying a word, do understand what you are going through.
When it feels as if your world is falling apart, and you can't rely on yourself, you are not being selfish at all to rely on your friends....thats what we are there for. You would do the same to help us out in our moment of need.
I think making a commitment to someone is a huge sacrifice. As NSSG said in his blog on love....it is doing things you don't normaly want to do (Fortunately I never had to clean up your vomit LOL, but I would have!)
I like you have never experienced love, so I probably won't even know when I find it....I can only hope that in time, one day I will find it, hopefully with someone as special as you.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to make a sacrafice for someone else, and I do think that the sacrifice we made was the right one to make for now.
But now just as your friend, remember, "I will always be there when you need a helping hand!" YBTB Dane x
feeling sad and being depressed doesn't make you any less than a man of steel. steel might be on the surface, but your heart really shows in what you've written. and by the friends you've got around you.
you've taken the initiative to tell your parents and your brother, and you've been selfless enough to call of a relationship because you care about how the other guys feels. that's not a small task buddy. you've got balls.
nice blog.
Gav
Wow Dane, what an emotional reply, you are a geniune guy. Monty, when I told my mum and dad (who are religious- muslim), that I am gay, they gave a similar reaction, loving me but not approving my lifestyle etc. After 3 years mum came to realize that God wanted me to be like this and that my lifestyle was much more balanced and proper than many straight people she knows. She said she learned her lesson in life, that God creates all these situations for us to learn something from it. This perspective brings her closer to me, so I m happy with what she believes in. I m sure, your family will also find a way to deal with it in their own way. All we need is time.
Monty, DON'T EVER FEEL GUILTY.
You are the same son, the same brother.
In time, they will tolerate your gayness. It is never easy to come out. Sure the celebraties make it such a glamourous thing. But in reality, it isn't.
So many of us have faced it. For some it was okay, for others, it was heartbreaking and sad.
I wish I could there for you. But for now, know that you are never alone in this.
We are all here for you. Big hugs.
Thank you all for your lovely responses! It seems my "support network" is not as small as I thought, which makes me feel very fortunate! :-)
Hugs to you all...!
I rarely comment on blogs, but I remember how difficult it was for me to come out and how relatively all was ok. My family and extended family are very accepting and just want me to be happy. I wish you the best.
www.realeuphoria.com
Wowwww... you really had some tough decisions to make.. I salute you :-) Here's hoping you'll soon come through this dark cloud to see the rainbows on the other side!
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