A Choice to Make...

It's been a while, I'm now in week two of being back in Sydney, back at work, trying to get back into my normal life...but with some significant differences!

You see I thought my first blog back in Sydney would be about how lucky we are to live in Australia, and more particularly Sydney! And I do think that, despite all the incredible places I've been to in the last 6 weeks, and in my past journeys. However, something much more fundamental is happening in my life, which is having greater impact on me than I ever expected.

A couple of weeks ago, Dating Guy wrote about a conflict of faith where he described the issues he went through when, as a member of a conservative Christian organization, he realized he was gay. Funnily enough, I am now going through those very same issues! I too, have up until now, belonged to a very conservative Christian organization which takes the Bible very literally. I grew up in this organization and the great majority of my friends are part of this organization. But, being gay, and being part of this organization are two mutually exclusive lifestyles. And so, ever since I have known I was gay, I have had an internal conflict as to which path to choose. It's been a very long and anguished journey to the point now where I have chosen to live my life as a gay man. And so, tomorrow night, I will meet with the elders in my church to explain to them that I am no longer going to be a member of this religious organization. This is the easiest part. And trust me, I've been sick with worry since I returned home to Sydney about taking this particular step.

The next hardest thing hit me today in a very real way. I had, prior to my departure, told a select group of my closest friends that I was gay and, by and large, they accepted this. However accepting they were, I knew, and they knew, that the death knell had been sounded on our friendship. Today, my two closest friends, independent of each other, emailed me; their emails arriving literally 5 minutes apart. In it, they both expressed the thought that although they may not understand why I felt this way, and how I must be feeling at the moment, they wanted to know that they supported me because I was their friend. I feel my eyes welling up as I am writing this, just as my eyes did when I read their emails at work today. I will be meeting up with both of them on Wednesday, where we will say our goodbyes. Their love and affection is with me, however they feel they have a higher obligation and so contact between us will be over. I understand this, and in no way do I hold a grudge at them or at my church. When I chose to live my life as a gay man, I knew the consequences of my choice. I am now starting to feel the very painful effects of that choice.

My large circle of friends, many of them long term friends, will dwindle quite significantly down to a handful of relatively new friends, among them, DG, whom I have known for about 3 months, a couple of friends from work and a couple of my older brother's friends who are still here in Sydney. And of course, the new man in my life, Dane - the man with whom I had an electronic relationship whilst overseas, and who I met in the flesh the first night I returned, not 10 days ago. So my life is essentially turning completely upside down! And I am feeling pretty emotional about this.

The hardest thing is yet to come. That is telling my parents and my oldest brother, all of whom still live in Queensland. They are still very active members of the church and this will be particularly difficult for them, and for me. Whilst contact will not be severed, it will be severely constrained. And I know that this will be devastating for my parents especially. I have been their "golden child", the youngest, the baby, but also we have been through a lot together; my parents have made significant sacrifices in their life to ensure I was successfully established here in Sydney and I feel I have a debt owing to them for the love and care they willingly gave to me. And so I have no idea how I will tell them, but tell them I must. I can no longer live a lie, I can no longer go on telling them that "I have just not met the right girl yet", that "I like being single" and other excuses for not being married (to a woman) at the grand old age of 35.

But, as with my friends, this was a choice that I had to make, fully cognizant of the ramifications thereof. And so, this week is going to be a tough one for me emotionally. I will have to go on at work as if nothing is the matter, when I have in effect, lost the majority of my friends and most of my family.

But I do have reason to be grateful. Grateful to people like DG, who didn't sign on to be a shoulder to cry on for me, and yet has stepped up and been just that, without ever reproaching me or complaining or saying that he's got enough on his plate already! Grateful to Carl, my new friend in Budapest, who is getting up early and staying up late so that we can communicate across two continents and several timezones. Grateful to the new man in my life Dane, who, whilst struggling to understand what I am going through, and despite only having met me 10 days ago, is determined to be there for me 100%. I am truly blessed by the kindness of these relative strangers (who have become in such a short time very dear friends) and that's certainly reason to be grateful for this choice that I have made.