Desperation...

It's interesting, I had this great chat with my mate Englishman in Budapest on Sunday night, as we generally do, and I was feeling a little down. I consider him one of my closest friends now - he gets all of the details of my life (both sordid and sacred) downloaded to him on a weekly basis - he's very level headed and gives me his perspective on things. He's helped me many times and he's also great for a laugh!

Anyway, the conversation progressed to a discussion about how desperation can be quite a turn-off. And this week, I experienced it first hand. Met up with this guy on Tuesday night after work for a drink in a pub in the city. He'd told me he was divorced from his wife and was the proud father of 3. OK, so there's bound to be a little baggage. But he seemed nice enough and so agreed to meet him.

We had a good time, had a couple of beers and a pleasant conversation. He kept telling me how good looking I was and how hot I was etc etc and I thought it was best I tried to keep him a bit grounded by telling him that I was seeing a couple of other guys later in the week (which I was). Just so that he knew he wasn't the only guy on my radar and to be honest and upfront with him as well. Whether this is a good idea or not, I don't know. But I'd prefer that to pretending he's the only one in my life! Hey, we met on Gaydar for crying out loud, it's practically expected.

Anyway, he was a bit put off by this. But I was glad, because I thought he was getting way too much into me, I'm sure he was planning for me to move in with him...just the way he was talking! So, we parted ways and I told him that I'd definitely talk to him again, see him etc. He is a really nice guy, don't get me wrong...he just was very enthusiastic about me.

Two text messages on the bus home. And then another one when I got home...the third one saying words to the effect that he didn't like the other guys I was seeing and hoped that I would pick him. I didn't reply.

Got a message later that night on Gaydar. Same sentiments. "Don't keep me waiting because I'm seeing other guys too and you might miss out" kind of stuff.

Got a text at 7am the next morning. I didn't reply. Got a text about 8:30am..."why haven't you replied to me?" I replied...it was a busy morning and the day was going to be insane! Another message at 1pm that day - "thinking of you, is that wrong?". And since then, at least a couple of texts each day! What is this???

On Tuesday night, I quite liked him, thought he was interesting, kinda cute and reasonably sane. With each text message, he just sounds more and more psychotic! He just seems so desperate to get into a relationship with me! or perhaps not me specifically, but anyone - I'm just the guy that showed up at the pub!

And I've now seen exactly what EIB was talking about on Sunday night! Desperation is VERY off-putting! And it's made me determined NOT to be like that in the future (not that I have ever been quite so intense)...I'm going to be calm, collected and chilled...even if I think I have met Mr Right! And I'm going to stop thinking I've met Mr Right until he becomes Mr Right - and that will take quite a few dates before that happens!

EIB comes to Monty's rescue once again!

Unconsious mutterings....

Contribution :: to the Team
Ryan :: Phillipe
Minimal :: Pet Shop Boys
Cleansed :: and Toned
Centered :: Self-
Arrow :: Fairlie (does anyone remember her?)
Beyond :: redemption
Execute :: documents
Intuition :: something I lack
Apology :: sorry

Mardi Gras 07...Part II...

It's been a week since the last entry and what can I say...I've been busy! I think I consumed more alcohol in the past 4 days than I have in the previous 4 months! I've killed a considerable number of my brain cells, but I think they drowned in the quantity rather than being killed by the alcohol itself!

But it has been weighing on my mind, the fact that I still had more MG feedback...so here goes Part II.

To lead in...a quote from the original blog entry..."But what made the night stand out particularly were things that I had never expected."

3. One of the guys I had arranged to meet up with, Guy no. 1, messaged me later that night. By that stage, I had just left The Californian, and so it was perfect timing. We met up, outside the Gaydar tent (highly appropriate as we had first met via GD) at 3.30am. It was a kind of a strange experience for a first time meet, no drink/coffee in hand, in a unique environment, with all sorts walking/staggering by; the noise of the revelry requiring us to talk rather loudly! But he seemed like an interesting guy and the conversation flowed. We ended up walking around the buildings and found ourselves a planter box and perched ourselves on the edge and kept talking. And talking. And talking! It was quite an incredible experience - and one I would never have expected at the MG afterparty - having a 90 minute CONVERSATION with a really lovely guy! Both of us were relatively sober, having both stopped alcoholic intake at about the same time (midnight) and so the conversation was reasonably intelligent and quite varied. We just clicked! It was FANTASTIC! And I never would have thought I would say that about having carried on a conversation at Mardi Gras! My expectations were, ahem, slightly less to do with the organ between the ears, and more to do with the organ between ones legs! We left the party at 5am and I was elated that I had made a friend! What's the odds??? We met up last Wednesday for a couple of drinks after work; another interesting conversation entailed. We had a nice chat on the phone last night and we're currently trying to schedule ourselves another outing, hopefully later this week. The guy is a lovely man; he only came out NYE06 and only registered with Gaydar in December so we have a lot in common to discuss, similar issues to address and I think we're in pretty much the same place in life.

4. The final unexpected thing to come from MG didn't actually hit me until a couple of days later. I was meeting up with a friend at the Columbian on Tuesday evening, and as I work in the city, thought it would be just as quick to walk there than catch a taxi. And it was a pleasant evening so I was actually looking forward to a brisk stroll. As I walked up Oxford St, for the first time, I suddenly felt comfortable in my skin. I wasn't slinking up Oxford St, worried that someone might see me and think I was gay. I was strollling up Oxford St with confidence, not caring who saw me, and what implications they may take from that. I am a gay man, and I was meeting a gay friend at a gay bar, and who cares! It felt awesome! And as the realization hit me, I thought about why I was suddenly feeling this way. And fundamentally, it was due to the Mardi Gras. I know some Sydney gays disparage MG, refuse to attend or just ignore it, but despite the overriding shallowness (is there such a word?), there is a message in MG of acceptance. And really, it was in attending it, being part of it, walking around MG holding a guy's hand, snogging him for all to see, bumping and grinding with some sweaty guy on the dance floor (in the literal sense of the word, not the implied sense...get your minds OUT of the gutters) AND NO-ONE CARED that really helped me feel comfortable in who I was...I'm a guy who likes other guys! And that is fine!

Unconsious mutterings....

Nude :: -ie Juice
Support :: mechanism
Rachel:: Griffiths
Crane :: Frasier
Candy bar :: movies
Material :: Girl
Mind games :: over them!
Eviction :: notice
Produce :: Fruit and Veg
Joke :: of the day

Mardi Gras 07...

WOW! Mardi Gras 2007 has come and gone! 24 hours since the celebrations commenced, I'm here at home still in awe of the night! Where do you start???

Firstly, the night met and in some respects, exceeded my expectations! I had a completely awesome time! But what made the night stand out particularly were things that I had never expected.

1. I watched the parade from the balcony of a friend's friend's place on Flinders St. The friends that I went with were actually my older brother Mark's friends. And so it turned out that I knew a few people at this party. One person in particular did I know quite well. And this was the unexpected element...for it was Andy, my first ever gay experience! He and his boyfriend had come up (they live in Adelaide now) for Mardi Gras and so when I turned around and there was Andy standing next to me, I got the shock of my life! It was quite a strange feeling, strange but kind of appropriate - strange as I hadn't seen him since the Sydney Olympics and appropriate, because here, at my first ever Mardi Gras was the guy that had given my first ever gay experience. I had very mixed feelings, as I have certainly moved on since then, and Andy is not really what I would call my type. But it also had a certain nostalgic element and he had the same wicked gleam in his eye which is very appealing. I was tempted I confess...

2. About 1:30am, we'd been dancing for a over an hour and decided to go outside for a bit of a breather. After the oppressive heat and humidity in the RHI, just being outside was such a relief. I was also glad to be out because I had tentatively arranged to meet up with a few guys - Gaydar contacts - and so wanted a chance to see if I can find any of them. After a quick bottle of water, my friends decided to go to the Horden Pavillion as Boy George was the guest DJ there. I let them go as I wanted to meet these guys. But I was also unsure, as I didn't know if I had any chance of finding these guys. I had their mobile numbers of course, but I thought it would be difficult to get in contact with them. I said goodbye to my friends and as soon as their backs turned, my phone beeped, and I had a message! "I'm here at the Horden now at 1.30". It was from a guy that I have been chatting to for about 2 weeks and he had messaged me that afternoon to tell me he'd finally decided to go to the party and so had purchased a ticket and wanted to meet up with me. So I was thrilled that he was actually serious about meeting me. Before I had a chance to reply, my phone beeped again and it was a message from another guy - one I have been talking to for about 3 weeks! "Where are you? P" Now I had a choice! That threw me a bit...who did I want to see more? But wait, there's more! My phone beeped again! "Where are you?" It was The Californian, a guy that I have had three dates with now, the last being three nights earlier. He is totally my type, in every way and I'm thoroughly into him!!! I'd shag him in a heartbeat! I couldn't believe that I had a choice of three guys to meet up with, all of them really good looking, interesting guys. Choices choices! But for me, it really wasn't a difficult decision. The Californian! I message the other two back and suggested a later time. And went to find The Californian. He told me he was waiting in front of the DJ between the RHI and the Horden. I started walking toward the DJ and saw him...OH MY GOODNESS! ! ! He was standing, or rather, leaning there, nonchalantly in a leather mask, black leather sleeves, and a pair of black short shorts, more glorified Speedos really. And HE LOOKED HOT! I walked up to him, smiled at him, and in the middle of a crowd of people, kissed him! Fireworks city! This was like all my Christmases had come at once! Here I was, a 35 yr old office worker, reasonable looking but not model material, in OK shape, and I was kissing, passionately, this absolute STUD in front of all of these other hot guys! My ultimate Mardi Gras experience! It encapsulated everything that I had come out for I suppose! Granted, it was very much a physical encounter, but in many ways, it also felt like a very important step in my 'coming out' experience! It was quite simply one of the hottest moments I've ever had, and yet, it was just kissing! It just felt so much more than a snog though - a very liberating moment! And that's the other thing which I suppose was part of it, the fact that I had the confidence to do it! I'm normally a fairly shy person, and hesitate to take that first step unless I'm absolutely sure, but last night, I just marched on up and let him have it...boy did I let him have it. And he certainly didn't seem to object!

3. Well, I think I shall have to continue this blog another time...it's already much longer than I had anticipated...

Friday...

It's been an insane week, with no time at all to blog. Purchased my ticket to the Mardi Gras party on Tuesday and so I'm now looking forward to the party! It will be interesting to see what all the fuss is about! And to have a dance! And whatever else happens! More to come on Monday!

Happy Mardi Gras everyone!

Monday...

Well, it was just another ordinary Monday actually. Nothing untoward at all. It almost didn't feel like anything had happened, considering we were so drunk on Friday when it all did happen. CGWG greeted me normally, I greeted him back. No perceptable change to our behaviour really. He's in the middle of moving house and his brother's wife has just had a baby in Newcastle and so this week is very disrupted for him, otherwise he seemed willing to come over for dinner etc etc. ;-) He told me that we'll do it next week. He goes to Newcastle on Thursday and is there for the weekend.

So all my anxiety about Monday has really gone. If nothing ever happens again between us, then it's all sorted. If something does happen, it's not going to happen overnight!